


Marauder

by Frostberry



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Gen, Mostly Hidan insulting people, he's just a massive twat really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 08:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18617107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Kakuzu leaves with Asuma's body for money, while Hidan’s head ends up in Konoha.





	Marauder

“You picked up the wrong head!” Hidan shrieked as Kakuzu bent down and picked up Asuma’s. Shikamaru’s wrongful miscalculation meant that Hidan was in his cursed circle when Asuma cut his head off. That meant Asuma’s head came off too, and Shikamaru was shouting some sort of nonsense which was related to his teacher’s death while Hidan was shouting away at his partner. “I am not worth anything more than a fucking bounty to you!?” 

“Not really,” said Kakuzu, getting out a scroll and transferring Asuma’ head and his body into it. It went in with a cloud of smoke. Behind them, Shikamaru looked as if he was about to faint, his knees touching the ground. He was pale white. “You aren’t worth anything in the bounty book, Hidan.” Hidan couldn’t see what happened next, but Kakuzu had taken off into the trees behind the bounty station. The two chunnin whom Hidan didn’t know their names were still on the ground coughing. Shikamaru had gone off to follow Kakuzu when he disappeared. 

His head was starting to hurt as if it was on a sharp rock. He didn’t know the jutsu to alert Leader, and maybe Zetsu may have been watching - Hidan had relied on Kakuzu to break him out of any situation and hadn’t bothered to learn it. But Zetsu tended to not get involved in any sort of combat; he just seemed to work as a camera for Pein. The two chunnin got up slowly, and he heard footsteps as one of them picked up his head by the hair. 

“Hey!” Hidan barked at the one with the weird bandage across the face who was looking at him with a dumb expression, “Put me down!” 

They just looked at each other. 

“Are you guys  _ deaf  _ or fucking what!?” 

The one called Izumo blinked a few times. “How are you still alive?” 

“Magic, you fucking cunt.” 

***

The pink haired woman examined Hidan body, as it raised a weak hand to do a  _ fuck you  _ sign at her as she made notes about his bum. “Fucking - pink girl -” Hidan was glaring death threats at her, as if he was telepathically trying to kill her, “Bring my body back to me.” 

She - Sakura, her name was - got over the fact he was a talking head very quickly. 

Hidan was taken back to Konoha, where civilians screamed when they heard a talking head in a canvas bag shouting and insulting its way up to the Hokage’s office. Izumo and Kotestu pointed out that there was no use asking Hidan about the jutsu he used to kill Asuma as he would just reply with either an insult or a long description about his God. He also claimed  _ technically  _ Asuma killed himself, by slicing his own head off, so it wasn’t like he would be in trouble for it. He then shut up when the Hokage told him he would probably be executed anyway for treason.

Naruto handed over the head to Sakura, as he was too busy dealing with the matter of bringing the scroll containing Asuma’s body back to Konoha before it was sold off for a large bounty by Kakuzu. Back in the bag Hidan went, bouncing around slightly as Sakura went down to the medic centre down the road. 

“Be quiet,” Sakura said, using a scalpel to take some of Hidan’s tissue from the bottom of his neck where the blood was beginning to go a crusty brown. “I’m here to collect samples for the forensic team to figure out your jutsu.” 

“I already  _ told  _ you, this isn’t a jutsu-” But Sakura had already gotten out the medical tape to cover his mouth. Hidan took the opportunity to spit into Sakura’s gloved hand. She rolled her eyes and took her gloves off and threw them away, but then left before putting the tape on him.

Hidan tried to get his body to come over, but it would only twitch when he shout at it in his mind. 

_ Next time I’ll chain my neck to my ear so when it comes over I can catch it myself.  _

***

“What do you think, Sarada?” 

Sakura had brought in a Uchiha girl, who had similar glowing red eyes to Itachi. They must have been mother and daughter. 

“Don’t go near him, sweetheart,” she also said. The girl focused her eyes on the base of Hidan’s neck, and to his body which was lying face down on a cold steel table several feet away. “He’s alive.” 

The red eyes faded to black, and she sighed. “It’s definitely a jutsu.” 

“What!?” Hidan snapped. “No, you fucking little cunt. It’s a  _ curse _ .” 

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ talk to my daughter like that.” 

“I don’t give a fuck,” said Hidan. “She’s insulted my religion. Here I am, unable to defend myself, what else am I supposed to fucking do? Spit!?” 

Sarada leaned forward and examined the neck wound. “There’s chakra connected between the head and the body. I bet if you slice the chakra strands, he’ll die. It’s a sticky chakra though, it’s leaving a mark everywhere it goes. That’s probably how he’s done it.” 

There was a knock on the door, and without Sakura even answering, it banged open. “Forgive me, Lady Sakura,” the chunnin said, “The Hokage has been kidnapped by the Akatsuki.” 

There was a cry of words, and both Sakura and Sarada disappeared before Hidan could call out. 

“Wait! I…” He huffed, staring at the ceiling and the too-bright lights. “Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck everything.” 

A few minutes past, and he thought about getting some sleep. If the Uchiha girl was telling the truth about his curse being a jutsu then maybe sleeping it off could make the chakra stronger and connect his body back to his head. 

***

The door opening for the second time made Hidan jolt and wake up. “God fucking damnit, what is it this time-” 

“Shut up,” Kakuzu rolled up his sleeves and put his case on one of the empty tables. “We don’t have time.” 

Hidan squawked. “How did you get here? And why are you fucking here?” 

“Distracting everyone so we could kidnap Konoha’s Junchirruki and get you back in the process. Not that I wanted to,” said Kakuzu, grabbing Hidan’s hair roughly and placing it with a bang on the cold table next to his body. “But you’re apparently good for the organisation…” He paused. “Somehow.” He mashed down Hidan’s neck down, threads appearing under his rolled up sleeves. “Leader says kill two birds with one stone.” 

The process of getting Hidan’s head stitched back on was painful, and he whinged and bitched the entire time. 

“Nearly done,” said Kakuzu as the last stitches went in. 

“Thank fuck.” 

Hidan felt his arms regain feeling, and his legs. He then tried to get up, but kind of flopped back onto the table, like a fish. 

“You put my head on  _ backwards,  _ you fucking cunt!” 


End file.
